I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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