Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
