I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
