You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
