i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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