I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
