Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
