In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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