i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
