Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
