the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
