Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
