I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
