I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
