I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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