the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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