Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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