I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
