I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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