32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
