I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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