I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
