i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
