MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
