genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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