I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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