Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My ass is underappreciated
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
