ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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