literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
