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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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