I cockslap morals
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
