hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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