if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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