I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Best friends brother. Beat that.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
