Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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