I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
