i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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