Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
