You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
