Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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