Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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