I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My penis needs a shock collar
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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