You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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