Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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