the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
