I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
