Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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