Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
