Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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