OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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